PART TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE
Saturday
Lucas came awake at the first ding of his phone, snapping so quickly out of his sleep that a headache immediately pounded behind his eyes. A hand was already reaching across his chest, but he shoved it away. “I’m awake,” he murmured, without opening his eyes.
“Very well, sir,” he heard Angus reply, straightening up in his seat behind the wheel.
Using the same hand (since it was already in motion), Lucas fumbled for the phone in his pocket, and once he had it, he tapped his thumb against the bottom of the screen where the accept button would be located. “Dobson,” he said, only to get another series of beeps that went right through his addled brain.
He groaned and grimaced, pulling the phone away from his ear and cracking his eyes a fraction to look blearily at the screen.
“Allow me, sir,” Angus said, sliding the phone from his fingers.
Lucas closed his eyes. Yeah … sure. His thoughts started to feather once more.
“It’s a message from Boyd,” Angus said. “He sent…”
* * *
Call me if you can’t get in.
Robbie stared at the cryptic message from the big guy. What the bell did that even mean? Why wouldn’t I be able to get in? I’ve got my keys on me, and even if I didn’t, Lucas would … Ah, snit! Looking at the top bar, Robbie realised the message went to Lucas as well as Sam, Llyr and Ivy.
“Is everything alright?” Mrs D asked, pausing alongside Robbie with a box of Charlie’s clothes in her arms.
“Ummm, yeah. I think. Boyd’s just sending me weird messages.”
“Well, I hope he’s not sending them to Luke. That boy has done so many hours those black rings around his eyes could be mistaken for tractor inner tubes. He needs to sleep the rest of the weekend if he’s going to be any good as a detective Monday morning.”
“I’ll make sure he does, Mrs D,” Robbie promised, not disagreeing with her in the least. He himself may have had even less, but there was a very good reason for his ability to function on half an hour’s sleep.
“I still can’t believe he’s a detective,” Charlie muttered. “I’ve been cheering from the sidelines for him to get that promotion for nearly ten years, and when he finally gets it, I’m stuck in the hospital out cold.”
Robbie winced. “Actually, sweet pea, you’d be doing everyone a big favour if you didn’t remind him about that. He’s been beating himself up pretty hard that he was sitting for that test instead of sitting on you.”
“Well, that’s just dumb.”
Since it’s all coming out … “Charlie, he’s not the only one. I sent you an ‘are you okay?’ message yesterday morning, and did nothing about it when you didn't answer. I should’ve blown up your boss’ phone to find out why not, or gone to the shop myself to— oof!”
Robbie was so focused on getting through his apology that he didn’t see the My Little Pony pillow until it smacked him in the face. Charlie was across the room, a vexed look on her face and her finger pointing at him accusingly. “That’s your only warning, mister! Neither you, nor that idiot brother of mine is responsible for what happened to me and P—”
She froze; tears suddenly springing to life in her eyes. But then she gnashed her teeth and curled her finger, tapping herself in the forehead in her determination to keep it under control.
Robbie wasn’t having a bar of that.
Launching himself across her bed, he landed to one side facing her and hauled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. “Go on, honey. Don't try to hold it in. Let it all out,” he crooned, as Charlie stiffened in his arms. “Paul was a good man and deserves your tears.”
Charlie gasped at the mention of her former boss’ name. She squirmed and struggled, pushing the flat of her hands against his chest. When that didn’t work, the pushing turned into slapping and the tears turned into deep, howling sobs.
This wasn’t going away anytime soon. Paul had been more than just a boss to Charlie. He had been her friend and a second father of sorts. His loss and the way he was taken would forever haunt Charlie.
“That’s it, sweet pea.” Robbie held her easily, shifting between squeezes of support and soft, comfort petting of her hair back and shoulders with one hand.
Mrs D stood to one side, watching them. The box that had been in her hands was all but abandoned at her feet and her hands were in front of her lips in prayer. Tears streamed down her cheeks as well.
The bedroom door suddenly burst open and Maverick came charging in, followed by Coach. The others were noticeably absent, which meant they were probably somewhere between the apartment and the cars. Mrs D stepped between the two groups with her arms outstretched, causing her son and her husband to screech to a halt. Their eyes shifted from Mrs D to where Robbie supported Charlie’s weight (since her knees had given out and she cried into his chest) and back again.
“Leave them,” Mrs D whispered, her words rough with built-up emotion as she waved them back towards the door.
Coach slid his arms around Mrs D and pulled her close, while Maverick pinched his lips to keep it together, his head bobbing affirmatively.
Something changed in that moment. Robbie wasn’t quite sure what, but the dynamics moved. No one was trying to pull Charlie away from him and take his place. Whatever they had seen just then, had Robbie going from the friend of Lucas who was batting way out of his league, to the man responsible for their daughtesister.
As they left the room and closed the door, Robbie slid his hand under Charlie's knees and lifted her into his arms, backing up to sit on the edge of the bed. He then started to rock her as she continued to cry.
“T-T-There w-was-s-s-so m-much…blood,” she sobbed.
“I know, sweet pea. I wish to God you’d never seen that. But we’ll get through it. One day at a time. It’s okay. This sort of thing is going to happen now and again and you're better off just letting it wash over you.”
“W-W-What?”
“Reminders of last night. Small things. In time, it’ll be easier to deal with, but they’ll still come. When it does, you should let the tears come, Charlie. You’ll never move forward if you don’t let yourself grieve.”
They sat like that for a while, until the sobs ebbed away into deep sniffles. “So much for me being the testosterone queen,” she huffed, wiping her eyes.
“Sweetheart, your brothers and your dad have already cried their hearts out over what happened to you last night.”
“Really?”
Robbie lifted his chin and kissed her hair, but only so she wouldn’t see how much her harmless question annoyed him. Charlie was so fixated on out-manning the men of her family, it bordered on obsessive. If it was the last thing he did, he’d be nurturing her feminine side too (as opposed to ramming it down her neck). “Really, sweet pea.” He dragged his chin across her head and sighed. “The doctors gave you some sleeping pills. I think it’ll be a really good idea if, once we get you home and settled, you took one and had an early night.”
Charlie shook her head. “I was asleep long enough.”
“Charlie, nothing’s going to happen to you. I’ll be right there. The spare room’s already been set up for you, and there’s a king-sized bed in there, so yeah, I’ll be right there with you. I’ll be the last thing you see going to sleep, and the first thing you see waking up. I promise.”
He just wasn’t going to tell her exactly how he planned to do that. Not yet, anyway.
At his earliest convenience, he was going to excuse himself and ‘go to the bathroom’. Only, instead of relieving himself, he’d be realm-stepping over to Walmart and relieving them of a video linked baby monitor in the guise of a teddy bear, or some other type of plush toy.
Well, buying it, but still...
Hopefully, not too many people would be at the superstore, so with luck, he could be in and out without anyone being any the wiser, hiding the camera under the bathroom sink until he could set it up later.
In the morning, after she’d had a good night sleep and a filling breakfast, he’d show her the toy and why he’d bought it.
Hopefully, she wouldn’t get too mad.
* * *
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PART TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-TWO
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Previous Part 260
((All comments welcome))
I made a family tree/diagram of the Mystallian family that can be found here
For more of my work including previous parts or WPs: Angel466 or indexed here
FULL INDEX OF BOB THE HOBO TO DATE CAN BE FOUND HERE!!

Retailer: Walmart
These comforte bed in a bag sets from Springmaid appear to have dropped to 2 cents today at most stores (reg $120-$190). With the combination of stock levels being extremely low and these being 2 cent items= extremely YMMV:
Springmaid Logan Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754713 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754712
Springmaid Valo 3 piece Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753033 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753032
Springmaid Barcelona Bed-in-a Bag Bedding Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753232 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866753231
Springmaid Belmar Comforter Set King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754707 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754706
Springmaid Botany Bed in A Bag King: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754181 Queen: https://stocktrack.ca/?s=wm&upc=6866754180
I personally got one of the Springmaid Logan King Comforter Sets earlier tonight. If you do end up finding one, always check out through self scan. It also helps to mute the volume of the self scan device (since some self checkouts yell out the price of individual items, and could grab attention from a self checkout attendant). Mutting the volume is easy: double tap on the volume button on the screen.

Your Complete Black Friday And Cyber Monday Shopping Strategy For 2020
The pandemic has changed everything, and Black Friday is no exception. This year, because of social distancing guidelines, there will be no pushing through in-store crowds to score the best deals and no pressure to shop on only a handful of days, as the retail event is being spread out throughout November. Some retailers, such as Walmart, are kicking off Black Friday specials as early as today. And deals likely will extend well beyond Cyber Monday.
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Retailers are going to be firing on all cylinders for as long as they can when it comes to holiday deal hype,? Said Kristin McGrath, editor and shopping expert at Black Friday curbside pickup ?So expect a lot of noise around deal announcements as stores try to position themselves to get as many holiday spending dollars as possible.?
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Sara Skir boll, shopping and trends expert at Retail Me Not, also noted an expansion of days with deals.
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?Over the years we? Ve come to see Black Friday and Cyber Monday start to merge into one long event,? Skir boll said. ?We used to call this the five days of savings, but this year we see it extending even longer than that. Retailers like Walmart have already announced their Black Friday Deals and are running them even earlier, with deals hitting almost each week in November leading up to Black Friday.?
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How can shoppers best navigate this extended Black Friday/Cyber Monday period? GO Banking Rates assembled this guide for exactly that purpose. Read on to learn the best strategies to implement and what categories to shop for the greatest savings opportunities. Young Pretty Woman at Home, Using Laptop, Sufring the Internet, Online Shopping.
More Shopping Will Be Mostly Online This Year
?According to our survey data from this year, more shoppers say they? Ll shop primarily online than in stores this holiday season,? McGrath said.
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A Retail Me Not survey also found that three in four shoppers prefer online shopping this holiday season.
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Retailers are heeding the consumer preference and offering shoppers even the most extreme doorbuster deals online.
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?Some retailers, including Walmart, Macy? S, Bath & Body Works and others have announced they? Ll offer Black Friday deals online during Thanksgiving,? McGrath said. ?And that actually isn? T very different from past years. For the past several Black Fridays, it was rare to find in-store-only doorbusters on Thanksgiving. Most major retailers simply offered the same deals online. The only reason to go to a physical store was if an online deal sold out, or if you really enjoyed going to stores on Thanksgiving.?
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This year, the only reason some shoppers have to go to a store is for curbside pickup. A recent report from Incisiv commissioned by Manhattan Associates found that 85% of shoppers have significantly increased curbside pickup orders since the pandemic struck, and 79% said contactless store pickup is very important to them.
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Start Shopping Now
?Shoppers can expect Black Friday deals to appear as early as several weeks before the ?Official? Date of Black Friday,? McGrath said. ?Retailers like Home Depot, Target and Walmart have already announced early Black Friday sales, and some of those events are already going live. With potential shipping delays, early holiday shopping would be a good strategy to snag good deals and get everything on time.?
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Here? S a look at the categories retail experts expect to see significantly discounted for the holiday.
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Story continues
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TVs
TVs long have been a recommended buy during Black Friday, and that isn?T changing this year.
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?Everyone is still shopping for TVs, the tech is always improving and consumers want the latest and greatest features,? Said Julie Ram hold, consumer analyst with Deal News. ?In fact, prices get better every year. In 2020 we know Walmart will have a 55? TCL 4K Roku TV for $148 during its second Black Friday event, and Best Buy will have a 50? Samsung QLED TV for $498; we?Ll also see a TCL 75? Smart TV for only $500.?
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Smartphones and Tablets
?Smartphones are similar to TVs in that they? Re a piece of tech that theoretically improves every year ? And even if it?S not improving, consumers still want the latest features,? Ram hold said. ?Black Friday is a great time to shop smartphones in general, but it can also be a prime time to snag the most recent smartphone releases at a better price. This year shoppers will be able to get the latest Samsung Galaxy phones bundled with up to $500 in eGift cards, or last year? S iPhone 11 lineup with up to $450 in eGift cards.?
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iPads and other tablets also are expected to be discounted.
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?We especially see excellent deals on iPads, and usually the latest generation at that,? Ram hold said. ?Last year we saw the latest generation of iPads drop as low as $250 and we? Re expecting the same for current-gen models this year.?
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Shot of a young woman using headphones while relaxing on the sofa at home.
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More Speakers and Headphones
?Audio is one of those areas where people upgrade when they can, so there? S always someone looking for better sound equipment,? Ram hold said. ?Fortunately, Black Friday is a good time to do it, as we tend to see discounts up to 60% off. We already know Best Buy will be knocking 50% off select speakers during its Black Friday event.?
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Laptops
?Like any other tech, this is a category that just improves over time. Laptops are a huge seller every Black Friday, whether consumers need them for specific purposes this year like working from home or for virtual school or they just want to get a newer and better system,? Ramhold said. ?We?Re expecting up to $500 off select laptops this year, with prices starting around $120 or so for basic models. If you?Re looking for Chromebooks, we should see even cheaper deals. Last year we saw prices as low as $89 on new models, and while we could see that again this year, we expect to see them go for at least as low as $99.?
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GoPro camera underwater
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More Cameras
?Cameras can be a pretty big investment but fortunately Black Friday continues to have decent discounts,? Ram hold said. ?While they won? T be jaw-droppingly cheap, we are expecting savings of $400 in some cases. Expect to spend at least $500 if you? Re looking for a mirrorless or DSLR camera, but things like Go Pros can be cheaper. A GoPro Hero8 bundle is set to be $300 at Best Buy this year, while the GoPro Hero9 will drop to $400.?
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Large Furniture and Mattresses
?Black Friday is a good time to buy furniture, but only if you? Re looking at bigger pieces,? Ram hold said. ?Mattresses and bed frames are both popular items to be found within Black Friday sales, but also sofas and dining sets. Macy? S will have Serta queen mattresses for as low as $199 this year, along with select bed frames under $400. Sofas will be under $1,000 and a 7-piece dining set will be $599.?
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Clothing and Accessories
?Black Friday clothing sales are still worth shopping, especially if you want autumn-appropriate pieces,? Ram hold said. ?Coats will see some sales, but odds are they ?Ll see better discounts in January when retailers start trying to clear shelves to make way for spring selections. But for Black Friday, we?Re expecting up to 80% off kids? Clothing, men? S suits for $100 or less at stores like Macy?S, and women?S boots for $20 or less at stores like Kohl?S and Target.?
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Ramhold added that while accessories might not top a lot of shopping lists, this category also will see some discounts for Black Friday.
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?We should see watches discounted up to 70% off this year at stores like Walmart, whereas Amazon will knock up to 45% off,? Ramhold said. ?Designer handbags will be another item up for grabs, with savings around 60% off and prices even falling below $100 in some cases.?
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Beauty Products
?Beauty still has great sales during Black Friday, which makes it a great time to stock up,? Ramhold said. ?This year we?Ll see 50% off brands like Kiehl?S, Urban Decay, Smashbox and tarte at Macy?S, along with 50% off fragrances from Marc Jacobs and Clinique.?
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Household Appliances: Large and Small
?The only time consumers can really save on appliances, large and small, is around big holidays,? Ramhold said. ?Black Friday is no exception, and this year we?Ll see small appliances like waffle irons, panini grills and rocket blenders for as little as $8 each after mail-in rebates. With bigger appliances, shoppers will be able to earn gift cards with certain purchases at Best Buy this year, and everything from kitchen to laundry room appliances will be on sale.?
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Kitchen and Home Goods
?Home items in general are one of the more popular categories on sale during Black Friday, and they tend to have decent discounts,? Ramhold said. ?Macy?S will have a 3-piece bakeware set for $18 this year, as well as a 15-piece knife block set for $20, and the store will also take 60% off select Martha Stewart kitchen items. Home items like bedding and bath will drop to super low prices as well, with pillows between $2 and $5 at stores like Kohl?S and Macy?S, towels for as little as $3 each, and 3-piece comforter sets for $20.?
Amazon Echo Clock kitchen
More Smart Home Devices
?We routinely see really great price drops on smart assistant gadgets from Amazon, Google and even Apple around Black Friday,? Ram hold said. ?Apple discounts are rare, but you can typically find a Home Pod for about $200 on sale during the Black Friday season. Amazon and Google deals tend to be even more affordable ? We?Ve already seen retailers like Best Buy pick up Amazon? S Prime Day pricing on Echo products this year, including the Echo Show 5 for $45. That deal will be hitting other stores in November, as well, though. While we haven? T seen any Google deals confirmed yet, we do expect them to make an appearance as well.?
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Man hands and smart touch watch with home screen icons apps.
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More Fitness Trackers and Smartwatches
?This year shoppers can expect to save up to $50 on select Fitbit models, including the Versa 2, Charge 4 and Sense. Even the newer Versa 3 will be discounted, but only $30 or so,? Ram hold said. ?Consumers can also expect Samsung Galaxy Watches to be on sale, with Best Buy taking $70 off select models. Additionally, Fossil smartwatches will be on sale with savings of $100, and Apple Watch Series 5 will see discounts of at least $75 at Best Buy.?
Here's How Stores Are Changing Black Friday For The Pandemic
The shopping spectacular is getting a pandemic-induced makeover, with many major retailers starting their sales earlier than ever and ending them later. Companies are hoping to avoid the crush of customers that crowd stores on the Friday after Thanksgiving by giving them more buying, pickup and delivery options. This year, the Black Friday deals that are usually reserved for in-store shopping will appear online during the month. Nearly 51% of shoppers feel anxious about shopping in-store during the holidays and 64% of their budget is expected to be spent online, according to a new shopping survey from Deloitte.
"Black Friday has definitely transitioned more into a digital affair in the past five years," said Neil Saunders, retail analyst and managing director at Globa lData Retail, previously told CNN Business. "The focal point is not that single day anymore. It's an event spread out over several days."
And those who are brave (or crazy) enough to hit the stores on Black Friday will notice enhanced safety protocols and capacity controls.
Here's how major US retailers changed their Black Friday plans this year:
Best Buy
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"As we've said, Black Friday isn't just one day this year — it's months long," Best Buy said in a statement.
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That's true: Some Best Buy deals became available online in October with more deals going live in stores on November 1. On select days, Best Buy (BBY) shoppers can get deeper discounts from its Black Friday ad early via its website, with the first event beginning November 5.
Stores will open at 5 am on Black Friday with the retailer still requiring shoppers to wear face coverings. It's also enforcing capacity controls and there will be a "dedicated customer experience host" to help direct shoppers and answer questions.
Contactless curbside pickup and expanded same-day delivery will also be available.
Home Depot
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Home Depot will offer discounts online and in stores from November 6 through December 2.
The retailer recently said it decided to "reinvent" Black Friday this year to reduce stress for consumers who typically rush to stores in droves to grab the best deals. Given the pandemic, the company indicated that maintaining safety was also a factor in its decision.
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Home Depot (HD) gave its app users advance access earlier this week to some of the discounts.
Lowe's
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Loyal customers will see an expanded selection of items, with the company selling more home goods, exercise equipment and other items people wouldn't normally associate with the home improvement retailer. Lowe's (LOW) "Season of Savings" already began last week — its earliest start date ever. The Black Friday-like event includes "competitive deals in-store and online" through December.
One notable addition this year: Free delivery of fresh-cut trees and wreaths on orders more than $45.
Macy's
Black Friday sales at the department store will begin online and in stores beginning November 4.
On the day after Thanksgiving itself, Macy's said shoppers can "expect to shop those same deals safely in-store" with additional cleaning, employees wearing personal protection equipment and "occupancy checks with an emphasis on traffic flow to anticipate and mitigate crowds."
Macy's (M) is also promoting curbside pickup, buy-online-pick-up in store and same-day delivery through Door Dash.
Target
Deals will be sold online and in stores for the entire month of November in a promotion called "Black Friday Now." Target will offer "weeklong discounts and digital deals every day" beginning on November 1. It's also extending its price-match policy from two weeks after the purchase date to two months. Target (TGT) is also bolstering its safety features at its stores — including contactless payment in its app, reducing lines by having employees rove the store to let customers pay and letting shoppers make reservations.
Walmart
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America's largest retailer is spreading Black Friday sales over three weekends, which will begin on its website before hitting stores a few days later. "Black Friday Deals for Days" encompasses the first, second and fourth weekends of November, with the deals appearing online Wednesdays.
Although it's pushing people to shop online and use its curbside pickup option, shoppers that go to its stores won't experience the pandemonium of the past. Instead, they will form single-file lines at the entrance and be given sanitized shopping carts. "Health Ambassadors" will be stationed at entrances to remind people to put on their masks. Social distancing will be enforced inside with capacity controls and one-way lanes.
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Walmart (WMT) said the changes at its stores "will be safer and more manageable for both our customers and our associates."

Author's note: Got a request last time for visuals on the cars. Hard to do since I'm not at home with my computer, but this is the car (with the bent subframe horn) that will be the base for War God and here's Mercury the Rambulance. And here's the rear bumper script from War God, although it will actually be staying with the other car during its rebuild. ;-)
Hope you enjoy Fess being diplomatic!
First / Previous / Next
"Poison, we've got war crimes incoming," I said into the CB. "I'm going to go yell at the queen. Get ready to scoot if needed. Over."
"Copy. You want us to start shooting if things turn ugly? Over."
"I'm pretty sure that telling her that she's on her own if she does this will work, but maybe dial one of the grenades for airburst and put it 300 yards over their heads if I have to shoot anything… more than once. I may need to focus their attention. Over."
"Roger."
I was starting to get the hang of letting my words flow through my mind to Gennie at the same time as I spoke them. It sure made for less repetition.
<* YOU ARE GOING TO FIGHT THE ELVES NOW? ARE YOU CONSUMED BY BATTLE MADNESS? *>
<* It's not bloodlust. And I'll only fight them if I absolutely have to. Honor means defending the defenseless, even if I was just kicking their asses. Possibly especially if I was just kicking their asses. Plus, killing troops that surrender is just shitty strategy. It discourages others from surrendering. *>
<* I SEE YOUR POINT. VERY WELL. IF YOU ARE FORCED TO DEPART, I WILL COME WITH YOU. *>
Well, at least the dinosaur wasn't an asshole.
I drove right up to Sisme, pulling up about ten feet away. I shifted into neutral and got out, giving off a definite vibe of unhappiness.
"Sisme! Order those troops to stand down, now! We're not executing prisoners!"
Oz gabbled at her, and she replied.
"What do you mean?! They came to destroy us, I'm not just going to let them go!"
"We're not letting them go, but no one else will surrender if you kill the ones that do, and it's against my code, to boot. And we can't get information about their overall strategy if they're dead!"
She looked unconvinced. Worse, she hadn't ordered the marching elves to halt and they were getting close to the trolls. I was glad Anneke wasn't here. This was probably going to cause some friction.
I walked up to the queen, towered over her, leaned way down until I was firmly inside her personal space, and growled out, "If you do this, you're on your own from now on. It's also really going to piss me off. Try asking the old king how well that works out." I left the unspoken threat hang in the air like a particularly rancid beer fart.
Credit where credit is due, she remained remarkably composed with an angry demon snarling in her face.
After Oz relayed that, she said something, which caused Khaavren to shout something at the pikemen. It looked like it wasn't an order to come attack me, because they just raised their pikes and fell into a square. Excellent. Crisis maybe averted. I stopped looming and backed off a hair.
After I'd told Ivy to stand down, we marched some of the trolls that were in better shape back out to pick up the less severely wounded and offer mercy to the unsalvageable, as well as to pick up some of the less offensive portions of their baggage train. No point in denying them all comforts in their defeat. Plus, if they were eating their food, they weren't eating ours.
A couple of hours later, the remnants of the troll army had been corralled in a temporary holding area outside the city, and guards posted. Between what Friday had mentioned, and things the troops had picked up from shepherding the prisoners around, most of the elves were giving us a wide berth. Friday wouldn't even look at me. Oz was acting pretty skittish. Sisme, oddly enough, had stuck by my side since I'd rolled back through the gates and parked in front of the palace.
As was my usual tendency, I had brought presents for people. Friday and Oz each got a case of ballpoint pens, a case of black sharpies, and a set of the colored ones as well. I gave Anneke some "normal" clothes to change into if she wanted. I mean, it was all just stuff from Walmart and Target but I'd asked my sister what her seventeen year old liked to wear and it looked like a big hit. Though I'd asked her for the sizes for the thirteen year old. Heh. I decided not to tell Anneke that part.
Since I knew they were the same size, I gave Sisme pretty much the same stuff I'd given Anneke, only in the most garish colors I could find to suit her elven sensibilities. The queen seemed amused by the foreign clothing, although I think that the leggings kinda confused her. I guess she probably didn't have a lot of experience with cloth that was stretchy. I also gave her a knife I'd ground years earlier out of stainless damascus stock, and she declared it one of the prettiest things she'd ever seen.
Then, with Oz handling translation duties, I presented Andy with a rifle. I pulled an AR-15 a friend had given me a few years ago out of a case.
"Ok, mate, safe weapons handling follows four rules, handed down by the gods through their prophet Colonel Cooper."
"One, the weapon is always loaded. You can watch me check the chamber before I hand it to you. You can check it yourself after I hand it to you. Unless you have personally verified that it has been rendered mechanically incapable of firing, you will always act as though it is loaded and ready to fire."
"Two, as a corollary, never point the weapon at anything you are not willing to destroy. Because it's always loaded."
"Three, keep your godsdamned finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire. I'll give you a lot more instruction on proper gun handling, but for now, just remember not to touch the trigger until you have your target in the sights."
I held up the rifle, keeping the muzzle down, and gestured with my trigger finger, showing how it was out straight and alongside the trigger guard.
"Four, you are responsible for every bullet that leaves the weapon. There is no oops. There is no I'm sorry. You point it, you pull the trigger, you own it. It's not coming back. Always know what your ultimate backstop is. If you shoot at something, know what you will hit if you miss. Know what you will hit if you shoot your target accurately and the bullet goes through it."
With that, I checked again to make sure the chamber was empty, showed him how to check the chamber, and handed it over. Yes, it had been a gift from a close friend, but like Galadriel said, a gift you can't give away isn't a gift, it's a trap. And immediately gave him a swat on the hand for putting his finger on the trigger. And then pulled the muzzle up when he pointed it in an unsafe direction. Then I showed him how to sling it across his back and told him to leave it there until we could go over using it in more detail in the morning.
A couple of unlucky stableboys were assigned to wash troll guts off of Mercury, and I spent a while making sure that War God had made it through ok, refilling the tanks out of one of the drums of petrol I'd brought on the trailer. The pleasing scent of Hoppe's #9 wafted through the air as Corwin and Ivy cleaned the guns while I handled the mechanic's duty.
"Wait, how much fuel did I use?" Ivy asked.
"She's a thirsty girl. I'd say that you were probably making about seven miles per gallon."
"Fess! That's terrible!"
"Hey, at least it doesn't run on coal like your Tesla!"
She glared at me. She was lots better at it than Anneke was. Corwin snickered at us.
"I swear you guys snipe at each other just as much as you did when you were still dating."
"At least she hasn't decided to snipe me for real."
"Yet," she chimed in. "Keep it up, tall, broad, and fuzzy."
"You know you'd be sad if I was all meek, oh mighty queen."
"Your friend is royalty?" Oz asked.
"Only in her own mind," Corwin replied.
She backhanded his shoulder and stuck her nose in the air with a "hmph!" sound. "Just because no one is bright enough to recognize my naturally regal nature doesn't mean they won't all some day come to their senses."
"Yes, your majesty," Corey and I said in synch.
"How long did you two practice that?"
"Whaddya mean 'practice'? We're just suuuuuper submissive to your rule, darlin'," I managed to say with a straight face for a whole three seconds, before Corwin caught my eye and we both broke up laughing.
She blew a raspberry and shook a fist at the two of us. "One of these days, Alice…"
"Well, it's going to have to wait until we get home, since there's no moon to bang-zoom us to, at the moment," Corey snarked in return.
"Anyway, let's go grab something to eat," I suggested.
"The queen has told me that there will be a feast in your honor tonight, Fess, Ivy, Corwin. You have saved us from certain destruction. Though I fear my apprentice may never recover."
"I tried to get her to not come along…"
"I think she got the wrong impression about her military suitability from your successful venture into the troll kingdom."
"Yeah. I suspect that even having seen what happened to the king, and the aftermath of the last battle, what we managed today was literally unimaginable for her, before she saw it."
Well, it was a heck of a shindig, that's for sure. The three of us were sitting with Anneke, Sisme, Oz, Friday, Khaavren, and a half dozen other elves I was led to understand were important folks. They had fancy hats, anyway. After the meal was over, things devolved into a general party atmosphere. I guess not being obliterated was just the sort of thing to get people to let loose.
We milled around for a while, breaking away to go check things out, meeting back up, and the like, though it was odd being at a party where I couldn't actually talk to most of the guests. In a good way, since I wasn't all that great at talking to folks at parties anyway. And yet, more than half the time I looked, Friday and Sisme were somewhere nearby. Not having forgotten being drugged, I decided to make sure to pour my own drinks.
"Oh Fess! I heard Ivy singsong behind me. "I just had the most interesting conversation with your young German friend…"
Crap.
"Oh?" I replied, aiming for nonchalance.
"Apparently she overheard Corey mentioning that we used to date."
"And?"
"And so she asked me for some pointers."
"Please tell me that you told her what an ogre I am, that no sane woman would ever want to be involved with me, and that she should go back to Earth and find some nice boy or girl her own age."
"Nope! I gave her lots of suggestions about things that you find attractive."
"Damnit, Ivy, she's sixteen. What did that poor girl ever do to you?"
"I just like to help people out. You know how helpful I can be."
"Seems excessively cruel to lead her on. You know I'm not going to go there at her age!"
She started laughing, which made me wonder if something had happened to her brain during the shift, because frankly, Ivy is a lot more considerate of other people than I am.
"Oh, holy fuck, you should see the look on your face, Fess. I'm just fucking with you. Of course I told her it was a terrible idea. Talk about awkward conversations though. I never expected to get asked by a child how to seduce my ex."
Friday was apparently running a translation for Sisme, and they were both having a hard time restraining their mirth. Corey had sauntered over at some point and he wasn't even bothering to try.
"Well I hope you were at least kind about it."
"Oh, Fess, of course I was. I remember what it was like pining for some older guy when I got into college at fifteen, and him quite rightly running away. Repeatedly. Actually, I told her about that, with the suggestion that she not duplicate my error. Of course, she is sixteen, so who knows if she'll actually listen to news she doesn't want to hear."
"This is because of the crack about your Tesla, isn't it?"
"Hell hath no fury like a woman whose car has been scorned."
I raised my left eyebrow at her, and gave her a stone faced look. Then I smiled, "Ok, you got me. Well done. Sorry about that. Thanks for putting up with it for me."
"Oh, don't worry. I'll figure out some way for you to pay me back."
"Oh, rest assured that there will be payback…"
She just laughed and wandered off to grab another cup of tea. Corwin headed my way, stating, "Man, you looked like you had swallowed a skunk whole."
"Dude… okay, it was funny, in retrospect."
Sisme and Friday took off in another direction, trailing high pitched liquid laughter behind them.
"Man, I even invited her on this totally super amazingly awesome vacation, and this is the thanks I get."
Corwin just laughed again and went after Ivy.
Eventually, I decided that I'd had enough fun for one day and was going to bed. I made my way around the party and said my good nights. Friday stiffened at my approach, but since she was one of the few people that I could actually talk to, I didn't see much choice. Plus, even I'm not dumb enough about protocol to leave without saying something to the queen.
"Your majesty, Friday," I said with a nod of my head to each of them. "I wanted to apologize to the both of you for my behavior earlier today. Friday, I should have been far more insistent that you not come along, even if you were correct in the end about the possibility of my need for a translator. I also shouldn't have yelled at you when you were clearly in shock. I hope that you will forgive me someday."
"I… it's very kind of you to say that. I should have listened to your advice not to come, and if you were harsh with your words, they were nevertheless correct. We summoned you to commit violence on our behalf. It's wrong to then blame you for doing it effectively. I am worried about what I will see in my dreams, though."
"Well, it's a valid concern. I have an unfortunate amount of experience with bad dreams myself. If you feel like it would be helpful, feel free to come talk to me about it. I suspect that either Corwin or Ivy would be happy to talk as well."
"That's a very generous offer. I'll keep it in mind."
I turned to Sisme, and bowed far deeper than before, then returned. "Your majesty, my words earlier were unacceptable. I should not have mentioned your brother in such a way. I have no intention of ever doing you harm. But if I am to prosecute this war for you, you must accept that there are things we will have to do my way, including, unfortunately, not executing those who surrender."
After Friday had translated and Sisme had responded, she relayed the queen's words to me. "I forgive your indiscretions. As Friday said, you were summoned for your capabilities, and warriors have long been known to speak rashly when their blood is up. Let it be forgotten between us. In turn, I pledge to heed your advice more readily. Your people seem to know far more than mine on the subject, after all."
"Thank you, your majesty. Goodnight, Friday. Goodnight, Sisme."
Bowing to the queen once again, I turned and left for my room. I heard the two of them start talking as I walked away, and felt the queen's eyes on me until I had made it to the hallway. I hoped that wasn't a sign of trouble brewing.
Contribute to the war effort!
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About a month ago, I made a post on this subreddit here about managing your finances as a new exJW. After talking to more people on here, I've realized that my first post inadvertently has 2 critical flaws - 1. It assumes you're over 18, and 2. It assumes you have a job. I know many that are planning to leave are under 18 so I decided to make a quick guide targeted at that audience.
The organization holds us back financially in many ways, the most prevalent of them being a lack of a financial education. The extent of the financial education we receive from the borg is "spend less donate more". Unfortunately that's not going to cut it in the real world.
If you're under 18 and planning your exit, this is the post for you. If you don't have money, exiting will be much harder and you could be more inclined to go back to the Borg. Let's make sure that doesn't happen and get you ready to step out in to the real world! Believe it or not, you can take steps right now to ensure you will be ready as soon after your 18th birthday as possible! Just to show you its possible, I started working at 15, moved out at 17, and fully left the cult at 18. Today I live with my beautiful POMO girlfriend in our own home living life on our own terms. You can do it too!
This isn't a comprehensive guide by any means, but hopefully it will move you in the right direction financially and give you some help when planning how to leave the cult.
But first, legal disclaimer time - don't sue me bro. I'm not a financial advisor. This is not financial advice. Do your own research.
Let's dive in!
1. Open a bank account! (For Minors)
This is the very first step in your journey to financial freedom. You may be currently relying on your parents to manage your money or have a joint account with your parents, but that needs to change now! You need to be the one in control of your money so your parents can't take it away "for your own good". Most large national banks won't open an account for you as a minor without your parents being a co-owner on the account. For now, your best bet is going to a small local or regional bank. If it is in your area, I would recommend using First Convenience Bank. They are typically located inside of Walmarts or other grocery stores, they are only closed 3 days a year, and they will open a bank account for you at 16 without your parents. If they are not in your city, look on google for local banks and give them a call to see how old you have to be to open an account with them.
Depending on your situation, try to keep this account under wraps. Get paperless statements, try going to the bank alone, hide or uninstall the app from your phone, etc. However, if that is not an option then you will need a way to justify this for your parents. "I want to start saving money so that I can pioneego to bethel when I graduate" is a response that will invoke glee in most witness parents, but you know your parents better than anyone. Prepare for that conversation.
The single best thing you can do right now is build up a pile of money in a bank account to support yourself after you leave. Use this bank account to save every penny you can and keep it out of the hands of "caring" witness parents. Your parents aren't trying to hurt you, they have just been taught that controlling you with an iron fist and giving you no breathing room is the best way to parent.
2. Get a job!
To save money, you gotta have an income! At this point in your life, just about any job can help you out since your expenses are likely very low. On top of that, any job you can get will serve as experience on your resume for future jobs. Even a job at McDonald's can help your resume get you your next job. This job which is often looked down upon can still give you plenty of employable skills like money handling and cash drawer experience, sales experience, team work experience, high pressure environment experience, customer service experience, food preparation experience, and much more. Even better, you get paid!
Personally, I had some knowledge about computers from a young age, so I used that to get an IT job with a local company at 15. It wasn't a high paying job, but it paid better than minimum wage. I still do some work for the same company now years later, at a much better pay rate of course. My girlfriend got her first job at Freddies (fast food restaurant) at 17, then after a year used her money handling and customer service experience to get a job at Wells Fargo which pays her almost double! If you have any type of knowledge or experience, try using that to get a job!
Get any job you can! Many witness parents might be hesitant about letting you get a job, I know my mother was when I got my first job. But there's a few ways you can get around this by playing in to the witness mentally. You could say that you want to contribute more to the organization but since you're still too young to go to bethel or be a missionary, you can only contribute monetarily. You could say that you are planning on being a pioneer or trying to preach more, but in order to do that you need to be able to - buy a car, buy gas, buy food, buy service clothes, buy service tools, etc. Again, you know your parents best, you know what they want to hear from you, so give them that. I mean we've all lied about wanting to go to bethel at some point or another in our lives, right?
While living with your parents, your expenses are likely very low. Let's keep it that way! Enjoy that free rent and free food as long as possible! Expenses will quickly rise as soon as you become independent so saving up as much money as you can right now will help you deal with that when it comes.
3. Make Some Friends Outside the Borg!
I know, this goes against everything we've ever been taught. But really, the people in the world aren't all that bad. There are a lot of really nice friendly people that will genuinely care about you. Great places to start are at school or at work. Get to know some people, get their phone numbers, and become friendly with them. Any type of support network you can start to set up outside the borg will go a long ways once you leave. We all have to come to terms with the fact that everyone we know will shun us once we leave, so it really helps to have people outside that we can talk to. This also comes in handy for Section 5 of this post, getting roommates. You might be more comfortable getting a new place with someone you already know.
When you leave, everyone in the borg will think that you are suddenly suffering or miserable. Anytime they contact you it will be to give you a hand to come back to the borg and "help" you because you are suffering so much. Don't give them the satisfaction of being right!
4. Find Transportation!
Once you leave, you are going to need a way to get yourself around. If your city has good public transportation, learn how to use it! This is typically the lowest cost way to get around town which is very useful for getting to and from work. By using transportation, you don't have to pay for gas, maintenance, or insurance which can be a huge plus especially when you are trying to save money.
However, if that is not an option or if you are able to buy a car, that could be a better and more flexible option. A car can get you from point A to B directly and often quicker than public transportation. Unfortunately, you will have to pay for gas, maintenance, and insurance. If you are doing this under 18 you may need to get an insurance policy under your parents. Again, figure out what your parents want to hear from you to let you get a car, you know them best. "I need a car for service!"
5. Plan Your Exit! (Housing Expenses)
While you are under 18, you can't really do much on your own. Take advantage of this time to research and plan your exit. hats the only way you will know how much money you need to save and when you will be ready to move out. You need to know how much its all going to cost! The key expenses that you need to think about are housing, food.
Lets start with living arrangements. The rule of thumb is that you should never spend more than 1/3 of your income on rent, and most apartment complexes have that as a rule. If you are making $1,000 per month, you shouldn't be paying more than $300 a month in rent. If you are young and still earning a low income, that may be pretty limiting in your options. The easiest way to afford rent at a low income is to get roommates! If you get a place with one other person, suddenly you can afford a $600 a month place! If you get a place with two others, now you can afford a $900 a month place! Living with roommates may be awkward or weird at first. But this is your best way to afford a living space when you are first getting started, and you might even make a friend or two! If you live in a college town, you may even be able to find low cost housing arrangements made for students.
Also think about utilities. Look at the typical utility usage and cost for your area to get a sense of how much you will need every month. For one person this shouldn't be too much, especially if you are sharing the expense with roommates.
When you first rent a place, you will need to make an up front deposit. This can be up to one month rent, so you will need to have at least that much money saved up. You will also need to get some basic furniture. Maybe your parents will be nice enough to let you keep some of your furniture, but if not, you can start shopping around to get an idea of what you need. In my opinion, the only absolutely necessary piece of furniture is a mattress, after all you need a good nights sleep to keep your body functioning well. For any furniture, don't go to a furniture store! Everything at a furniture store is marked up many times higher than its worth. Instead, look on Amazon or other online stores! Your mattress is the one thing I would say you want to buy new as opposed to used. That's just because you never know the history of a mattress, and since you spend about half of your life on it you're better off having your own. On Amazon, you can find twin mattresses for under $100, and queen mattresses for around $200.
For any other furniture, use craigslist, facebook marketplace, or any peer to peer selling marketplace to find them. You can get amazing deals on these things, and sometimes even get them for free! You know your lifestyle better than I do, but some other pieces of furniture that can make your home more comfortable are a bed frame, chairs, a table, a couch. Remember, these aren't the pieces of furniture you are going to own forever so you don't need the nicest stuff. You also don't need to buy everything at the same time. You just need furniture to get you started.
Start planning a budget for what you are going to need when you move out.
6. Plan Your Exit! (Food)
After putting a roof over your head, food is your next biggest concern. The absolute biggest way to save in this department is to do your own cooking. A $10 plate of pasta from a restaurant can be recreated at home for under $3. Even if you have no experience cooking, give it a shot! Start easy with pasta or rice and work your way up from there. There are an uncountable amount of videos on YouTube teaching you how to cook, and needless to say YouTube is free. Try learning to cook at home with your parents so you can get the hang of it and start learning your favorite recipes.
The most basic things you need to cook are a pot, a cooking spoon, a bowl, a fork, and Tupperware. All of these things can be acquired inexpensively at a thrift shop, or if you want to splash a bit more cash you can get them new online or in store. My advice is to get a decent pot for cooking instead of the cheapest piece of junk. I've made that mistake before and the food never turned out good, it was usually unevenly cooked. With a nice set of pots, your food will come out much better.
Some pantry essentials should be salt, Pasta, Pasta Sauce, Rice, Beans, cans of vegetables, and anything else you like and eat regularly such as cereal, mac & cheese, tortillas, cheese, and spices. To reduce your cost even more, buy store brands or generic brands. They are the exact same thing as the name brand but at a fraction of the cost. If done right, you can keep your cost per serving under $1. When you make your own food, you can make extra to end up with leftovers to take to work for lunch or have another dinner. 1 box of pasta and 1/2 a jar of sauce will make 3-4 servings at a cost of less than $1 each. Realistically, your food expenses should only be a couple of hundred dollars a month. Think about what you like eating and plan a budget for that.
7. Plan Your Exit! (Other Expenses)
Living on your own and maintaining yourself, you will have many expenses. There's phone, internet, insurance, entertainment, and discretionary spending. Take some time to think about what you consider essentials and plan for those expenses. Do a bit of research to see if you can find things cheaper. All that money saved will add up in the long run.
My advice for new ExJWs is to budget some discretionary spending. You have lived your whole life sheltered and unable to do things for yourself. Use a bit of money every month to experience the world around you and to do something that you want to do. More important than anything else, you need to take care of yourself and your emotional and mental well being. If watching movies is your thing, treat yourself to a movie night at a theater. If getting a manicure or pedicure is your thing, then treat yourself to a spa day. Think about what makes you happy, and budget that in.
Closing Remarks
I'm not going to lie to you, leaving the borg is going to be one of the hardest things you do, but it will also be one of the best things you ever do. If you have already made your decision but are under 18, that gives you an advantage over the borg, it gives you time to plan and prepare. Use this time wisely while you can to save up money and prepare yourself mentally and financially for this huge step in your life.
So many of us have been in your shoes and know how it feels. I promise you life will get better! The world is a beautiful place and not as scary as the borg wants you to think. This entire subreddit is here to help you in this process, use that support network!
Throw the borg the finger on your way out and never look back!
I wish you all the best!

If you think the dog days of summer are challenging, I’d like to introduce you to 100+ degree days when your city is resting under a warm blanket of tear gas. Who has two thumbs and is grateful for garbage television? This one.
Father Libby and Charlie arrive in Moldova, to see how many negative American stereotypes can be crammed into a single carry-on bag. As masters of complaint-as-conversation, they unfurl their first scroll of inconveniences that relegate international travel to “total nightmare” status. After a few rounds of “ain’t it awful” that include the special burden of having to walk almost a mile, and noting that Moldova has more outgoing than incoming air traffic, this dynamic duo is certain they’ve endeared themselves to Andrei enough that they’re ready to meet the rest of the fam.
As they get into the car, Andrei reflects on what a great gift his parents have been given in not understanding English, as he wades through a conversation that makes the average person long for a discussion of a nonprofit 990 tax document.
Father Libby: Do you have Fourth of July here?
Andrei: No.
Charlie: No fireworks? What the hell? What do you do when the Dodgers win?
FL: Is there a Walmart here?
Andrei: No.
FL: What about hot dogs? Apple pie? Cowboys? Do you tell time here?
Charlie: Do you double bag? Nibble on bath salts? Where is the America here?
Andrei: I’m still an asshole.
Libby: Blinks.
FL: Is this a road? Do you people call it driving? I’m talking about the thingie with wheels here.
Andrei: (In his safe space.)
FL: Do they pull people over here? Were you a cop?
Andrei: Yes, but I was not on patrol. It was a desk job. Now I drift off, for dramatics, and also thin blue line.
FL: You were like a detective? Ha ha ha! This laughter is to make you feel secure in sharing details of your life with us!
Charlie: They don’t have detectives in Moldova! They don’t even have July Fourth, how could they have detectives? This isn’t even Europe.
Andrei: Do you have maps?
Charlie: Why would we need maps?
Andrei: Please stick to questions about whether there is Denny’s.
Charlie: Oh we’re GONNA ask about Denny’s.
FL: Why aren’t you working for your father right now? This doesn’t make sense to me.
Charlie: That’s so weird!
Libby: We’re here!
Scene.
Despite the awfulness of this team, Family Andrei welcomes them with a lovingly prepared feast, and Father Andrei eagerly shares his hand-crafted wine. Father Libby smartly decides to make a toast and compliment their efforts. They then begin to interrogate the family about Andrei’s absent work ethic, and Brother Andrei notes that he doesn’t like working all the time, while his wife sits there, drinking from a deep pool of judgment. Andrei tries to pin his unemployment on Libby, insisting they’ve talked about this and him staying home made the most sense. I mean, she doesn’t even have to try at her job to get paid, and he makes up for it by hanging a TV that one time. Father Libby then says he offered Andrei a job, but he was too good for it, and again Andrei tries to pin it on Libby, only for her to say that she’d rather he work.
“I don’t know if it’s hormones or if she’s being dumb,” Andrei says, checking off two accusations on the misogynist check list. “But later I will tell her she’s crazy. You cannot put all of eggs in one man for himself, you know?”
Colt has swaddled himself into a sports coat, and packs up Debbie so she can fertilize Brazil’s soil with her bullshit. Debbie says she plans to just be herself, and Colt suspects that’s not going to go very well. Once they arrive everyone hugs them both hello, which is like second base for Debbie, so she calls Jess’ father “weird,” because clinging to your son’s ankle is normal. Instead of just eating the food and asking questions, Debbie finds ways to repeatedly invoke Larissa between culinary criticisms, because nothing comes close to her welcome feast of beef stew and disappointment.
Father Jess is eyeing Colt, and asks what he wants with Jess. Colt says Jess is the best person he’s ever met, and seems authentic, which soothes Father Jess. Mother Jess says that if he loves Jess that much, she should be married in their opulent house. This bums Debbie out, since she was hoping to dust off the cousins for another in-uniform declaration of ill intent, and this is going way too fast for her to sabotage. Debbie just doesn’t understand why she isn’t enough for Colt.
“It’s like sometimes people don’t see the person who is already there,” Mary sobs, crying all the way from Geoffrey.
“Does anyone else think they’re moving too fast? He’s just a baby tickling the teet of 40, for God’s sake.” Debbie is ready with the question.
“Fuck off, Debbie,” Jess is ready with the answers.
Debbie is appalled that she’s failing to ruin things and Jess isn’t kissing her ass, so she says she wants to go home, and assumes Colt will lobby for her soul-sucking cause. Instead he stuffs her into a cab back to the hotel, so he can focus on winning over what could be his future family.
“When I said we shouldn’t put Colt in the middle, what I meant is Colt should always choose me,” Debbie explains. Jess’ family is unimpressed by Debbie, and declare her bossy, and note that she wants Colt all for herself.
“Exactly,” Debbie agrees.
The next day Colt is hungover from the good time that kicked off the minute Debbers drove away. He goes to check on the kickstand of his life, who is disappointed that other people seem to be enjoying themselves. She says Jess put her hand in her face, which must have been difficult from so far away, and Colt considers that his mom might be jealous, which is reasonable if this is Bates Motel.
“She’s out of control, just like Larissa, and the other women I stuffed into the crawl space,” Debbie asserts. “Out of control, out of control.”
Later on Colt takes the other woman to the beach, where they can be alone with the camera crew and producers. They told Colt he’d get a bonus if he wore nut huggers in public while talking about how important his mother is, and dude said he’ll take that bet. Jess ogles Colt’s bod and declares that he makes her think about sex all the time before laughing maniacally, and can we ditch Colt and Debbie and keep Jess?
Jess and Colt talk about Debbie, and Colt considers that maybe his mother thinks that children are Jess’ idea exclusively, since he neglected to tell her this was his way of thinking, too. Jess says that Colt doesn’t defend her, and she calls him a mama’s boy, and Colt starts crying and calls her a daddy’s girl, which doesn’t bother Jess, because she managed to go all the way to America without a parent. Colt insists that he needs to take care of Debbie because she doesn’t have anyone else, and Colt doesn’t consider why his mother has no one else save for her adult son.
If you’re wondering how boring Larissa’s scenes are, the answer is very. The “detachable thumb” trick your grandfather did between war stories and nose blows is 5,000 times more interesting than this. Larissa bemoans that no one wants her around her except Eric. Carmen kicked her out for getting back together with him, so she calls him, and Eric just happen to have an empty room in his house for her to occupy. Crazy! Once they arrive roommate David comes out of his room, where apparently he’s been fishing, and Larissa declares that they need to be best friends. David says his best friend lot is already occupied by Eric, who is likely going to be heartbroken, but “A lot of people go back to the same watering hole,” which I apparently where Larissa plays Bloodbourne.
If you find that riveting, you’re going to be flattened by the scene where Larissa meets with a friend to report that Eric is like a cake. Then she looks at Eric’s phone and finds messages he sent another woman while they were apart. In the text exchange Eric describes Larissa as a bad mother who doesn’t take showers. So Larissa calls her, and despite this reportedly being a surprise happening the woman picks up right away. Who does that? The Other Woman describes Eric as the “worst man” and says they hung out one night just to bash Larissa. She details a time when Erik and Colt got together to compare butt sex and blowjobs, and I’m not sure who was more turned on at the time, but now it’s Debbie.
“He’s like a bitch,” Larissa states, which is unfair to bitches everywhere. Eric comes home so Larissa hastily hangs up, and reports she feels so bad about herself she wants to change her hair and face, and oh honey.
In women that will be changing nothing about themselves, Angela is having road rage all the way to the market, despite riding shotgun, and Michael foolishly thinks Angela will get ingredients to cook.
“You’ll see. Cause I’m not doing none of that shit,” Angela ends the suspense.
Angela looks high and low for a roast chicken from a 7-11 deli and some mac and cheese in a plastic tub, and when she comes up short she’s forced to usher in the finest moment of the episode: Angela goes to the market. There she is knocked out cold in the first round of a Boss Fight with The Woman Selling Rice. First, Angela asks her to dig deep into that bag of rice, because she doesn’t want the stuff on top. The woman fills an empty soup can with all the fucks she has left to give, and then pours the surface rice on top. Angela objects, and asks if she has anything pre-bagged. The Woman Selling Rice then empties the soup can of rice into a plastic pornography bag, and hands it to Angela. Totally beaten, Angela takes the bag and thanks her. Can this woman interact with Family Libby next, please?
A single ingredient in hand, Michael starts hunting for a tomato, and Angela declares, “This is getting out of hand.” She insists they need to ditch this and warm some Totino’ pizza rolls on a paper towel in the microwave instead. Before her fantasy can develop any further, she sees multiple goat heads flanked by flies, and since that bitch saw VVitch and doesn’t know whether or not that goat is loaded, she runs. From the safety of her car she attempts to restore order by taking a deep drink of a liquid that dissolves cars, but the memory of fly covered meat is still too fresh, and so she vomits, thus revisiting the Pixi Stix she snorted the night before.
“I can’t go back to that meat,” she protests. “I probably have malaria now. Two of them sitting on a table, and they were like ‘heeeelp me’ and they’re dead.” Michael just apologizes every time she wretches, which is the foundation of their relationship.
Michael is upset, because he really wants his mom and aunt to feel welcome in their apartment. Angela insists that it’s her apartment alone until they get married, and Michael feels as cut off from the 90DF gold as Superstar Soja Boy.
Later on Michael’s Queen Mother arrives, and enthusiastically greets Angela in Yoruba with giant smiles. They are disappointed in the lack of food, and Angela outs this as a fake scene with her over-the-top presentation of lukewarm pizza and half-assed plantains. Then Angela distracts everyone with rumors about the viability of her baby maker, and no one is hungry after that.
Asuelu and Kalani haven’t talked since California, but on the bright side that means she’s not pregnant again. They take both kids to the park, and while he’s being pushed in a swing Oliver looks like he’s over this shit, as his dad revisits his bungled birthday party and apologizes. Kalani thinks that’s a great start, but wants his behavior to actually change. He gives her a hug and a kiss, and steps away before he needs a condom for slut people. Asuelu then says that since they can’t go to Samoa, he wants to see his family in Washington. Apparently his mother lives there, along with a half sister from a different dad. Kalani is okay with this, so long as he doesn’t throw her under the bus at every point of conflict.
“I promise I will no throw you the bus. I want you to be my bus driver,” Asuelu announces, and once again, this show has written our Valentine’s Day cards well in advance.
Kalani and Asuelu call his mom and sister to reveal their travel intentions. Kalani is not close to his family, because despite being stateside, none of them could be bothered to attend their wedding. Asuelu’s mom claps her hands and demands love for her children, and then starts crying in menopause. Mother Asuelu reports that in Samoa she worked hard, but in the US of A she’s just eating, sleeping, and waiting to die. Then she asks for money, at least $1,000, and his sister does the make it rain gesture, because apparently his mother is a stripper. Kalani is not pleased by this development, since part of her resistance towards going to Samoa is that she’d be viewed as a human ATM. There seems to be no way to explain to these fine folks the salary limitations of free sample filling.
“You’re supposed to take care of your family before anyone else,” Sister Asuelu says, totally ignoring the family of small people.
“I don’t know Kalani, what she wants,” Asuelu responds, aiming her body for the front of the bus so she can be hit by all four wheels.
Paul has retrieved his dogs from a training center where he left him during his brief stay in Brazil. Now he’s happy to bring them to the rabbit hutch they’ll call home. He looked all over this one trailer park for a home, and now he’s putting some effort in to making it nice as a surprise for Karine. He cleans out the fridge, sets up a bed frame, and teases the possibility of dropping an air conditioner out the window, preferably multiple times. The camera folks were clearly also on pins and needles about the slapstick possibilities of this scene, because they were on him from the minute he waddled through the door with one of those heavy bastards in hand.
The great news about Paul’s tiny house is that it’s going to be a dream of energy efficiency, and can actually be cooled with that single window unit. There’s enough space for them to be comfortable, and it looks clean. He brings Karine to the place, and she looks around with a critical eye before declaring that she likes it, and Paul practically orgasms from joy. This might be the only time Paul has smiled on this show, and we’ll take it.
Karine then suggests they might need curtains for the windows, and Paul quickly cobbles together one curtain, and then starts putting a pillow in the window while Karine laughs. After he stacks a second one on top, boom, curtain with bonus insulation. For once, they seem happy with each other, which means next week either she’ll be pregnant again or they’re moving to Alaska.
Next week, Syngin wishes he never left South Africa, Angela finally talks to Michael about the goat’s head lurking in her uterus, Debbie rats out Colt to Jess, and Paul can’t get a job because people have seen this show.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! Patreon.com/fractalfay

Alright, so I'm hoping this is a good subreddit for this. I've just been thinking about my bedroom lately, and as a long-term goal, I'd like to spruce some things up a bit in here.
My style/taste: My favorite color is pink. I love pastel pink and hot pink. I love sparkle and glam, too. I like "grown up girly" things. I am drawn to a Barbie-like aesthetic that doesn't scream "kids room."
My current setup:

• A plastic 3-drawer storage cart currently sits next to my bed. I store my most commonly worn clothing in the drawers, and have a lamp, an alarm clock, skin care items, etc on top. The top is bowing in, causing items to tip over constantly and making it harder to close the drawers. But I like where it is. It forms a right-angle with my bed, so I can sit on my bed and put away laundry. I have a chronic illness that causes a lot of fatigue, and this set up helps conserve energy. Having this side table/dresser combo also saves space.
• My bed is very similar to this one. So the mattress and box spring are very thick, which makes the bed tall. My bed and box spring are on the floor right now. I'm only 5'0, so any bed frame I purchase can't make the bed too much taller. But I need a bed frame, because my bed is in a corner against two walls, and items on my bed are constantly falling into crevices where they're almost impossible to retrieve. The mattress also shifts a lot, so an inch or two of the mattress will be hanging off the box spring. A bed frame would help all of that.
• My current colors are pink, black, and zebra (it symbolizes rare disease). I have black curtains, a tall black shelf, baby pink sheets, a zebra comforter, and a black pillow case. My side table/dresser has one very small pink lamp on it, and the side table itself is white. My room needs more pink!

What I'm looking for:
I'd love to add a few new pink items to my room that reflect my glamorous pink aesthetic. I love the tufted look. It just looks more opulent to me. I'd love to find a bold pink dresser and bed frame. I don't have a lot of money, so I can't just drop $1500 on one dresser. I'm not going to go into too many details about my finances, but I will say that it is beyond my control, and I'm hoping they will improve very soon.
The bed frame, as I mentioned before, should look girly. I like glamour. Pink is best. As for the dresser, I need to be able to store all my pajamas, socks and undies in there, since I wear those the most. So a small little night stand just won't work. I need a full dresser that is wider than it is tall, and close to the same height as my bed. Three single drawers like this will work, but I also like how sometimes the top row of drawers is "split," like this. I also like the 6-drawers look if it maximizes storage. I basically need to be able to tuck everything away without constantly straining, reaching, squatting, etc.
What I've found:
I really like this bed frame from Baxton Studios. And I really like this matching table, but it needs to be closer to this size. It would look weird to have a white dresser and a pink bed frame IMHO. And all white would look bland. Plus, I researched Baxton Studios on other websites, and the quality seems questionable. I also found these beds, but no matching dressers. With all the information I've provided, hopefully, you all understand what I'm looking for.
Any ideas?

If you think the dog days of summer are challenging, I’d like to introduce you to 100+ degree days when your city is resting under a warm blanket of tear gas. Who has two thumbs and is grateful for garbage television? This one.
Father Libby and Charlie arrive in Moldova, to see how many negative American stereotypes can be crammed into a single carry-on bag. As masters of complaint-as-conversation, they unfurl their first scroll of inconveniences that relegate international travel to “total nightmare” status. After a few rounds of “ain’t it awful” that include the special burden of having to walk almost a mile, and noting that Moldova has more outgoing than incoming air traffic, this dynamic duo is certain they’ve endeared themselves to Andrei enough that they’re ready to meet the rest of the fam.
As they get into the car, Andrei reflects on what a great gift his parents have been given in not understanding English, as he wades through a conversation that makes the average person long for a discussion of a nonprofit 990 tax document.
Father Libby: Do you have Fourth of July here?
Andrei: No.
Charlie: No fireworks? What the hell? What do you do when the Dodgers win?
FL: Is there a Walmart here?
Andrei: No.
FL: What about hot dogs? Apple pie? Cowboys? Do you tell time here?
Charlie: Do you double bag? Nibble on bath salts? Where is the America here?
Andrei: I’m still an asshole.
Libby: Blinks.
FL: Is this a road? Do you people call it driving? I’m talking about the thingie with wheels here.
Andrei: (In his safe space.)
FL: Do they pull people over here? Were you a cop?
Andrei: Yes, but I was not on patrol. It was a desk job. Now I drift off, for dramatics, and also thin blue line.
FL: You were like a detective? Ha ha ha! This laughter is to make you feel secure in sharing details of your life with us!
Charlie: They don’t have detectives in Moldova! They don’t even have July Fourth, how could they have detectives? This isn’t even Europe.
Andrei: Do you have maps?
Charlie: Why would we need maps?
Andrei: Please stick to questions about whether there is Denny’s.
Charlie: Oh we’re GONNA ask about Denny’s.
FL: Why aren’t you working for your father right now? This doesn’t make sense to me.
Charlie: That’s so weird!
Libby: We’re here!
Scene.
Despite the awfulness of this team, Family Andrei welcomes them with a lovingly prepared feast, and Father Andrei eagerly shares his hand-crafted wine. Father Libby smartly decides to make a toast and compliment their efforts. They then begin to interrogate the family about Andrei’s absent work ethic, and Brother Andrei notes that he doesn’t like working all the time, while his wife sits there, drinking from a deep pool of judgment. Andrei tries to pin his unemployment on Libby, insisting they’ve talked about this and him staying home made the most sense. I mean, she doesn’t even have to try at her job to get paid, and he makes up for it by hanging a TV that one time. Father Libby then says he offered Andrei a job, but he was too good for it, and again Andrei tries to pin it on Libby, only for her to say that she’d rather he work.
“I don’t know if it’s hormones or if she’s being dumb,” Andrei says, checking off two accusations on the misogynist check list. “But later I will tell her she’s crazy. You cannot put all of eggs in one man for himself, you know?”
Colt has swaddled himself into a sports coat, and packs up Debbie so she can fertilize Brazil’s soil with her bullshit. Debbie says she plans to just be herself, and Colt suspects that’s not going to go very well. Once they arrive everyone hugs them both hello, which is like second base for Debbie, so she calls Jess’ father “weird,” because clinging to your son’s ankle is normal. Instead of just eating the food and asking questions, Debbie finds ways to repeatedly invoke Larissa between culinary criticisms, because nothing comes close to her welcome feast of beef stew and disappointment.
Father Jess is eyeing Colt, and asks what he wants with Jess. Colt says Jess is the best person he’s ever met, and seems authentic, which soothes Father Jess. Mother Jess says that if he loves Jess that much, she should be married in their opulent house. This bums Debbie out, since she was hoping to dust off the cousins for another in-uniform declaration of ill intent, and this is going way too fast for her to sabotage. Debbie just doesn’t understand why she isn’t enough for Colt.
“It’s like sometimes people don’t see the person who is already there,” Mary sobs, crying all the way from Geoffrey.
“Does anyone else think they’re moving too fast? He’s just a baby tickling the teet of 40, for God’s sake.” Debbie is ready with the question.
“Fuck off, Debbie,” Jess is ready with the answers.
Debbie is appalled that she’s failing to ruin things and Jess isn’t kissing her ass, so she says she wants to go home, and assumes Colt will lobby for her soul-sucking cause. Instead he stuffs her into a cab back to the hotel, so he can focus on winning over what could be his future family.
“When I said we shouldn’t put Colt in the middle, what I meant is Colt should always choose me,” Debbie explains. Jess’ family is unimpressed by Debbie, and declare her bossy, and note that she wants Colt all for herself.
“Exactly,” Debbie agrees.
The next day Colt is hungover from the good time that kicked off the minute Debbers drove away. He goes to check on the kickstand of his life, who is disappointed that other people seem to be enjoying themselves. She says Jess put her hand in her face, which must have been difficult from so far away, and Colt considers that his mom might be jealous, which is reasonable if this is Bates Motel.
“She’s out of control, just like Larissa, and the other women I stuffed into the crawl space,” Debbie asserts. “Out of control, out of control.”
Later on Colt takes the other woman to the beach, where they can be alone with the camera crew and producers. They told Colt he’d get a bonus if he wore nut huggers in public while talking about how important his mother is, and dude said he’ll take that bet. Jess ogles Colt’s bod and declares that he makes her think about sex all the time before laughing maniacally, and can we ditch Colt and Debbie and keep Jess?
Jess and Colt talk about Debbie, and Colt considers that maybe his mother thinks that children are Jess’ idea exclusively, since he neglected to tell her this was his way of thinking, too. Jess says that Colt doesn’t defend her, and she calls him a mama’s boy, and Colt starts crying and calls her a daddy’s girl, which doesn’t bother Jess, because she managed to go all the way to America without a parent. Colt insists that he needs to take care of Debbie because she doesn’t have anyone else, and Colt doesn’t consider why his mother has no one else save for her adult son.
If you’re wondering how boring Larissa’s scenes are, the answer is very. The “detachable thumb” trick your grandfather did between war stories and nose blows is 5,000 times more interesting than this. Larissa bemoans that no one wants her around her except Eric. Carmen kicked her out for getting back together with him, so she calls him, and Eric just happen to have an empty room in his house for her to occupy. Crazy! Once they arrive roommate David comes out of his room, where apparently he’s been fishing, and Larissa declares that they need to be best friends. David says his best friend lot is already occupied by Eric, who is likely going to be heartbroken, but “A lot of people go back to the same watering hole,” which I apparently where Larissa plays Bloodbourne.
If you find that riveting, you’re going to be flattened by the scene where Larissa meets with a friend to report that Eric is like a cake. Then she looks at Eric’s phone and finds messages he sent another woman while they were apart. In the text exchange Eric describes Larissa as a bad mother who doesn’t take showers. So Larissa calls her, and despite this reportedly being a surprise happening the woman picks up right away. Who does that? The Other Woman describes Eric as the “worst man” and says they hung out one night just to bash Larissa. She details a time when Erik and Colt got together to compare butt sex and blowjobs, and I’m not sure who was more turned on at the time, but now it’s Debbie.
“He’s like a bitch,” Larissa states, which is unfair to bitches everywhere. Eric comes home so Larissa hastily hangs up, and reports she feels so bad about herself she wants to change her hair and face, and oh honey.
In women that will be changing nothing about themselves, Angela is having road rage all the way to the market, despite riding shotgun, and Michael foolishly thinks Angela will get ingredients to cook.
“You’ll see. Cause I’m not doing none of that shit,” Angela ends the suspense.
Angela looks high and low for a roast chicken from a 7-11 deli and some mac and cheese in a plastic tub, and when she comes up short she’s forced to usher in the finest moment of the episode: Angela goes to the market. There she is knocked out cold in the first round of a Boss Fight with The Woman Selling Rice. First, Angela asks her to dig deep into that bag of rice, because she doesn’t want the stuff on top. The woman fills an empty soup can with all the fucks she has left to give, and then pours the surface rice on top. Angela objects, and asks if she has anything pre-bagged. The Woman Selling Rice then empties the soup can of rice into a plastic pornography bag, and hands it to Angela. Totally beaten, Angela takes the bag and thanks her. Can this woman interact with Family Libby next, please?
A single ingredient in hand, Michael starts hunting for a tomato, and Angela declares, “This is getting out of hand.” She insists they need to ditch this and warm some Totino’ pizza rolls on a paper towel in the microwave instead. Before her fantasy can develop any further, she sees multiple goat heads flanked by flies, and since that bitch saw VVitch and doesn’t know whether or not that goat is loaded, she runs. From the safety of her car she attempts to restore order by taking a deep drink of a liquid that dissolves cars, but the memory of fly covered meat is still too fresh, and so she vomits, thus revisiting the Pixi Stix she snorted the night before.
“I can’t go back to that meat,” she protests. “I probably have malaria now. Two of them sitting on a table, and they were like ‘heeeelp me’ and they’re dead.” Michael just apologizes every time she wretches, which is the foundation of their relationship.
Michael is upset, because he really wants his mom and aunt to feel welcome in their apartment. Angela insists that it’s her apartment alone until they get married, and Michael feels as cut off from the 90DF gold as Superstar Soja Boy.
Later on Michael’s Queen Mother arrives, and enthusiastically greets Angela in Yoruba with giant smiles. They are disappointed in the lack of food, and Angela outs this as a fake scene with her over-the-top presentation of lukewarm pizza and half-assed plantains. Then Angela distracts everyone with rumors about the viability of her baby maker, and no one is hungry after that.
Asuelu and Kalani haven’t talked since California, but on the bright side that means she’s not pregnant again. They take both kids to the park, and while he’s being pushed in a swing Oliver looks like he’s over this shit, as his dad revisits his bungled birthday party and apologizes. Kalani thinks that’s a great start, but wants his behavior to actually change. He gives her a hug and a kiss, and steps away before he needs a condom for slut people. Asuelu then says that since they can’t go to Samoa, he wants to see his family in Washington. Apparently his mother lives there, along with a half sister from a different dad. Kalani is okay with this, so long as he doesn’t throw her under the bus at every point of conflict.
“I promise I will no throw you the bus. I want you to be my bus driver,” Asuelu announces, and once again, this show has written our Valentine’s Day cards well in advance.
Kalani and Asuelu call his mom and sister to reveal their travel intentions. Kalani is not close to his family, because despite being stateside, none of them could be bothered to attend their wedding. Asuelu’s mom claps her hands and demands love for her children, and then starts crying in menopause. Mother Asuelu reports that in Samoa she worked hard, but in the US of A she’s just eating, sleeping, and waiting to die. Then she asks for money, at least $1,000, and his sister does the make it rain gesture, because apparently his mother is a stripper. Kalani is not pleased by this development, since part of her resistance towards going to Samoa is that she’d be viewed as a human ATM. There seems to be no way to explain to these fine folks the salary limitations of free sample filling.
“You’re supposed to take care of your family before anyone else,” Sister Asuelu says, totally ignoring the family of small people.
“I don’t know Kalani, what she wants,” Asuelu responds, aiming her body for the front of the bus so she can be hit by all four wheels.
Paul has retrieved his dogs from a training center where he left him during his brief stay in Brazil. Now he’s happy to bring them to the rabbit hutch they’ll call home. He looked all over this one trailer park for a home, and now he’s putting some effort in to making it nice as a surprise for Karine. He cleans out the fridge, sets up a bed frame, and teases the possibility of dropping an air conditioner out the window, preferably multiple times. The camera folks were clearly also on pins and needles about the slapstick possibilities of this scene, because they were on him from the minute he waddled through the door with one of those heavy bastards in hand.
The great news about Paul’s tiny house is that it’s going to be a dream of energy efficiency, and can actually be cooled with that single window unit. There’s enough space for them to be comfortable, and it looks clean. He brings Karine to the place, and she looks around with a critical eye before declaring that she likes it, and Paul practically orgasms from joy. This might be the only time Paul has smiled on this show, and we’ll take it.
Karine then suggests they might need curtains for the windows, and Paul quickly cobbles together one curtain, and then starts putting a pillow in the window while Karine laughs. After he stacks a second one on top, boom, curtain with bonus insulation. For once, they seem happy with each other, which means next week either she’ll be pregnant again or they’re moving to Alaska.
Next week, Syngin wishes he never left South Africa, Angela finally talks to Michael about the goat’s head lurking in her uterus, Debbie rats out Colt to Jess, and Paul can’t get a job because people have seen this show.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!

Alright, so I'm hoping this is a good subreddit for this. I've just been thinking about my bedroom lately, and as a long-term goal, I'd like to spruce some things up a bit in here.
My style/taste: My favorite color is pink. I love pastel pink and hot pink. I love sparkle and glam, too. I like "grown up girly" things. I am drawn to a Barbie-like aesthetic that doesn't scream "kids room."
My current setup:

• A plastic 3-drawer storage cart currently sits next to my bed. I store my most commonly worn clothing in the drawers, and have a lamp, an alarm clock, skin care items, etc on top. The top is bowing in, causing items to tip over constantly and making it harder to close the drawers. But I like where it is. It forms a right-angle with my bed, so I can sit on my bed and put away laundry. I have a chronic illness that causes a lot of fatigue, and this set up helps conserve energy. Having this side table/dresser combo also saves space.
• My bed is very similar to this one. So the mattress and box spring are very thick, which makes the bed tall. My bed and box spring are on the floor right now. I'm only 5'0, so any bed frame I purchase can't make the bed too much taller. But I need a bed frame, because my bed is in a corner against two walls, and items on my bed are constantly falling into crevices where they're almost impossible to retrieve. The mattress also shifts a lot, so an inch or two of the mattress will be hanging off the box spring. A bed frame would help all of that.
• My current colors are pink, black, and zebra (it symbolizes rare disease). I have black curtains, a tall black shelf, baby pink sheets, a zebra comforter, and a black pillow case. My side table/dresser has one very small pink lamp on it, and the side table itself is white. My room needs more pink!

What I'm looking for:
I'd love to add a few new pink items to my room that reflect my glamorous pink aesthetic. I love the tufted look. It just looks more opulent to me. I'd love to find a bold pink dresser and bed frame. I don't have a lot of money, so I can't just drop $1500 on one dresser. I'm not going to go into too many details about my finances, but I will say that it is beyond my control, and I'm hoping they will improve very soon.
The bed frame, as I mentioned before, should look girly. I like glamour. Pink is best. As for the dresser, I need to be able to store all my pajamas, socks and undies in there, since I wear those the most. So a small little night stand just won't work. I need a full dresser that is wider than it is tall, and close to the same height as my bed. Three single drawers like this will work, but I also like how sometimes the top row of drawers is "split," like this. I also like the 6-drawers look if it maximizes storage. I basically need to be able to tuck everything away without constantly straining, reaching, squatting, etc.
What I've found:
I really like this bed frame from Baxton Studios. And I really like this matching table, but it needs to be closer to this size. It would look weird to have a white dresser and a pink bed frame IMHO. And all white would look bland. Plus, I researched Baxton Studios on other websites, and the quality seems questionable. But hopefully, you understand what I'm looking for.
Any ideas?

TLDR: I furnished new apartment for $1k. When moving back, I sold everything for $800, plus I got a free new mattress as a plus.
When I first got there, I ordered a king memory foam mattress online for $330, it was one of the best bed I've lay on. I bought wood and stain to build my bed for $100 worth of materials and 1 Saturday building.
I had a place to lay my head, next up is to find a dining table. Found a wood high chair dining table with 4 chairs listed on facebook marketplace for $200, I haggled it down to $120. Luckily it fit in the back of my crossover. Not the cheapest, but it's a nice table. I later hated the wood chairs, as it hurts my butt. Found a moving sale that were selling 8 cushion faux leather chairs for $25 for all 8, since they just want to get rid of it to move in time.
I bought a futon from walmart website for $90. TV stand from walmart for $20. Marble coffee table for $50 on market place (it was freaking heavy).
2 months later, I bought a queen mattress online for $185 and bed frame for $85. I sub-leased that room to temporary workers for $1000 a month for like 2 months out of the year. They had a stipend of $2k for living expenses so $1k was normal for them. (Oh I have a 2 beds 2 baths apartment for $850 a month)
My parents gave me items from home such as pot, pan, dishes, utensils, and 2 of their comforter sets for the beds (lucky me). Saved probably $200 here.
After 3 years, I was able to get a job back in my home state.
I moved there in a crossover, but now I have too much stuff to take back, and renting a truck for these items that not worth anything wasn't worth it.
I listed everything on the marketplace for sale. During this step, I found there is a rip on the bottom of my foam mattress, it was under warranty for 5 years, I made a claim, after exchanging information for a few days they finally agreed to send me a new mattress, I told them I was moving and see if they can send it to my new address, they agreed. Got a free mattress. I listed the mattress on sale for $150, the bed (hand made and can be taken apart and reassemble) for $200. Sold both for $250. Mistake here, I sold it 2 weeks before my moving day, I was sleeping on a camping floor mattress for 2 weeks.
Sold the dining table for $100, sold the 8 cushion chairs for $150! I had so many requests for the chairs, not sure why they were so popular.
Sold futon for $50, Coffee table $50. TV stand $10.
Sold queen mattress and bed frame for $200.
Total I spent furnishing was about $1k, and I sold everything for about $800. I was in negative $200. But that's like renting those furniture for 3 years for $200, still worth it in my opinion. But I got a brand new mattress so that evens it out.
I was able to move back the same way I moved there, without renting a big truck which costs like several hundreds for one way trip.

Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges.
Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats.
The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.”
Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95.
Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white.
Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode.
Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes.
Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman.
The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed.
Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble.
Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away.
Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?”
Jay: (Sounds of running.)
Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring.
The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror.
“I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.”
The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship.
Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim.
Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower.
“I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!”
“Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!”
“Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.”
“I’m done!” Ed squeals.
“You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE.
Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?”
At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing.
I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance.
Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages.
“I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.”
“I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.”
Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before.
They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show?
After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status.
When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens.
Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away.
In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing.
“I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy.
Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons.
Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top.
“But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.”
Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great?
Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared.
Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator:
Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually.
Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget.
Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian.
Translation: She said no.
Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest.
Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit.
Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle.
Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands.
Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships?
Thank you, Patreon supporters! To join: patreon.com/Fractalfay

Welcome to your weekly recap of 90DF, a show about people who fly all over the world to not have sex with people who don’t exist offline. Kudos to everyone involved who manages to not chase people down the highway, or conceal a three ring binder of assault charges.
Anyway, this episode ignites with an invocation of the Patron Saint of deep delusion, Baby-Girl Lisa. She’s fixin to purchase a mystical goat of enchantment, to trick Usman’s mother into accepting an elderly white Christian from the land of privatized prisons, and men with bad haircuts and torches in khaki pants yelling about immigrants. Eager to demonstrate she’s learned nothing since they “closed up” that last fight, Lisa rides her magic carpet of complaint from scene to scene, whinging about having to buy a goat, the market, the smell around the goat, the state of the goat’s health, the price of the goats, the complexities of foreign currency, and the sounds of goats.
The producer asks Usman if the goat is a pet, and he assures them that it’s a snack, which won’t be the last vegan endorsement this episode. Lisa thinks they must select a proper, not-skinny goat, because she’s seen Witch, and the wrong goat will fuck your shit up completely. Once they’ve picked a half-brown, half-white winner, the shop owner announces a $115 price tag, and Lisa’s certain she’s been quoted the “white woman price.”
Lisa: You can get a perfectly good goat at Walmart for $19.95.
Usman: I will not let someone sell you the price of white.
Lisa: Where’s the self checkout? Can I speak with the manager? This goat doesn’t even have a barcode.
Usman: They are booting our car and this scene is edging closer to Michael and Angela. Do you see this man’s face? He is beating me severely with his eyes.
Goat in tote, Lisa manages to squeeze in a few more complaints about the odor, which is not the Big Macs and Pine Sol bouquet she’s accustomed to huffing. Then she declares that the goat never shuts up, and Usman remarks, “Like you.” She shall henceforth be known as Billy-Goat Lisa. Thanks for that, Usman.
The next challenge in Usman’s gauntlet to marriage is to make Billy-Goat Lisa look respectable by Nigerian standards by wearing traditional colorful Hausa garments. Usman explains that if his mom does not approve he’ll be a failure, and already his mom did not speak to him for three months after he announced this relationship. Usman helps her get into a loose fitting gown, and we’re gifted the raw sex appeal of a faded white bra strap clinging to life, longing for its previous days of simplicity in the cool comfort of a Maidenform box at JCPenney. Usman admires her in the Hausa dress, and Billy-Goat Lisa reminds Usman that he still needs to do her hair, and then she needs to do her makeup. Usman insists that makeup isn’t necessary, since she’s just meeting his mom, and she’s already disappointed.
Usman brings her to meet his tribal council of women, and they’ve already voted Lisa off the island. A grand green carpet is unrolled outside, and they help Lisa sit down. An older boss lady queens in the doorway, gracefully cloaked in her “that’s a no” clothes. Usman introduces Lisa to his mother, who oozes alpha matriarch. #eldergoals. Outgunned, Lisa awkwardly responds, “You have a beautiful home.” This is extra derp considering where she’s sitting, but I’m going to give her a pass, because she could have said, “My purse is weighted by all these gold bars, will you take some of my burden?” and still would have lost this gamble.
Lisa goes on to be herself, which means expressing zero curiosity about their way of life, how they are, what makes them happy. The family was not warned about Lisa’s age, and were expecting a younger woman. Usman eagerly points out that Lisa brought a goat, and Usman’s mother responds, “Thank you.” Looking for something to fluff everyone up, he describes her as a “doctor” which does nothing to alter flat expressions, but older sister Sefiyatu of the magical eyes manages an unconvincing, “God is great.” Flies ominously crawl on Lisa as Usman declares their marriage intentions. Everyone is shocked, and Sefiyatu shakes her head, while mom puts on her purple nope cloak, says no, and walks away.
Later, Sefiyatu expresses they were surprised to see a woman over 50 years old, and while she knows there’s crack in America, she didn’t think Usman would smoke it here. Ultimate Mother tells the cameras that Lisa wants to take Usman out of his country, away from the possibility of having children, and “whites don’t like blacks over there.” Well, Mother Usman reads, so it’s over for you, Billy-Goat Lisa.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” Trashley interjects. “I mean, you call the police, and it’s fine. Right Jay?”
Jay: (Sounds of running.)
Somewhere in Yuck, Philippines, Ed is horrified to learn water is falling from the sky. He sits awkwardly on Rose’s fold-out mat bed, and learns that pops plans to share the bedroom with them, so Rose doesn’t have to fuck Ed twice. There’s a tropical storm outside, and glumly resigns himself to sleeping under Rose’s leaky roof, with only his caps lock-colored sneakers to protect him. Father Rose wisely realizes that Ed is going to be crying all night, so he declares he’ll sleep in the room next door with the more mature child Ed is fully ignoring.
The horrors only continue for Ed, who recoils from the menace of loud raindrops accompanied by that strange booming sound, unpredictable electricity daring to escape him, and foldable sleeping mats sponging up icky rain and denying him the splendor of 1000 thread-count sheets. Ed shakily admits that his relationship with dermatitis prevents him from enjoying the wonders of floor life, but the gifts for himself he sent Rose never arrived, and so it’s a hard knock polyester blend life for Ed. I strongly suspect the 90DF producers arrived hours early to deck the walls with wire and release an exhausted rat from a trap to increase Ed’s palpable horror.
“I sell sheets and fake gifts,” Maria confesses. “We need money for food, not diaper for man-baby.”
The state of their living arrangements makes Ed think she’s desperate for a way out, which is different from his desperation to be with someone 1/3 his age who will be bound to him by citizenship.
Ed wakes up the next day describing his night of terror, struggling for the first time without air conditioners, plagued by the possibility of a single mosquito bite that defied his generous dip in a vat of DEET. The only solution is to take Rose away from her son again for a private vacation, just the two of them, which is what he planned to do all along anyway. “My last marriage probably ended because I was jealous of the attention my daughter got,” Ed explains. “Now I’m going to be That Stepdad, who will punctuate every argument with statements about taking care of ‘your kid.’” Anyone else miss Tim? I miss Tim.
Ed then declares he’d like to take a shower, and Father Rose says he’ll join him, just to make sure Ed washes his damn hair. Shirt off, Ed unleashes a smattering of empty tribal tattoos, the douchebag calling card of Affliction t-shirt Gen X. This creates the opportunity to wince and complain about things being too cold, after complaining about being too hot for seven solid episodes. Then Rose rigs up the hose and turns this backyard bucketing into a full-on prison shower.
“I know about those,” Geoffrey declares. “Don’t drop the soap!”
“Rose!” Ed cries. “I dropped the soap!”
“Ed is like big baby,” Rose explains. “Except baby not always fussing.”
“I’m done!” Ed squeals.
“You’re done? I’M DONE!” Debbie shows him how it’s DONE.
Since we haven’t yet found enough evidence for the “Ed is a complete man-baby” file, we move to a pig farm to close the case. They join Father Rose in the back of a Jeep, and, eager to best Lisa for the most bland question extended to future family, Ed opts for, “Do you like living in the Philippines?”
At the pig farm, we’re presented with our second vegan conversion documentary, as we watch leashed pigs squirm in super tight pens for a handful of corn. This mysterious wet dirt matter on the ground is known as “mud,” and Ed’s mother always carried him over such offenses, so now he’s lost. Terrified of damaging his favored fashion accessory, Ed wraps his kicks in plastic bags for better slapstick sliding around. Sure enough, he immediately starts banana-peeling left and right, tossing yellow plastic bowls of food into the air while swearing like a sailor. It was the “son of a bitch!” Declaration while a plastic bowl sailed through the air, tossing food scraps like confetti, that convinced me I would be purchasing this episode for repeat viewing.
I don’t know why the editors declined to set this scene to the theme from Beverly Hillbillies, but I’ll assume it required too much coin. Ed successfully receives permission to deny Rose access to her son for an extended stretch of time, and busies himself pinpointing the nearest hotel with an English-speaking restaurant within spitting distance.
Speaking of casting directors that need to be stopped, in a world of happily queer folks madly lusting for each other’s loins, 90DF managed to find someone pretending to be bi for edge points. Stephanie aka Darcey Lite is still shocked that Erika expects her to be the person she pretended to be for four months. She’s packing up to alienate Erika’s family and friends as quickly as possible, while Erika is outside, calling a lifeline to confess this trip has been shit thus far, and Steph divides the bed with a long line of hand sanitizer every night, and I mean, there are shortages.
“I’m a happy person,” Erika tells her friend. “This is really disappointing to Stephanie. I’m depressed now, so I’m hoping that will help.”
“I’ve already decided this isn’t going to work,” Stephanie doesn’t admit. “Now I’m going to express my latest source of discomfort, Erika having friends she’s honest with, because that really doesn’t compliment my brand. I’ll make a youtube video of this later, when I’m ready to discuss #problems.”
Erika tries to engage with Stephanie during the car ride, which Steph promptly declares the wrong place for this conversation, since she doesn’t want to be shoved from a moving vehicle. It’s much better to awkwardly stare out the window for four hours instead. Erika brings up Stephanie’s control issues anyway, since they’ve just manifested for the 10,000 time, and asks if they might actually have something at the center before Steph builds a fence around it. Out of options, Steph starts rationalizing her behavior by talking about past pain and illness. This is easier than, you know, doing something different. Erika rolls her eyes, because she’s read this book before.
They pull into an AirBnB, so that Erika’s family won’t deduce from their complete lack of affection that they’re in a fake bisexual relationship. They plan to meet up with Erika’s friend Claire, but doing something is the last thing Steph wants to be doing. Claire is fresh from her latest stint as an extra in a Die Antwoord video, and I kind of love this chick and her wild tangle of fuck-you hair paired with the most welcoming eyes in the world. Can the editors just delete Steph from future episodes and make this the Erika and Claire show?
After introductions, Steph does her best to not ask Claire anything about herself, while reporting every event of the last few days in a downer fashion that emphasizes her displeasure. Erika doesn’t have the ability to disguise her misery at this point, as Steph says she’s uneasy about an upcoming party, which Erika sees as an opportunity to meet all her friends at once. Claire wants to know why Steph is uncomfortable, and she says she doesn’t like being in the presence of people who have had sex. Claire says that they’ve all dated each other (Port Augusta is a small town, after all) but Steph needs to make a mountain of this molehill if she hopes to preserve her celibate status.
When Steph goes to the bathroom, Erika asks Claire if she wants to get in her car and bail, because she wasn’t banking on a loveless, jealousy-anchored platonic friendship. Claire tells the cameras that she expected them to seem more affectionate, since it’s early days and usually couples are like that, and she hopes that in the two weeks they have left things somehow improve. Isn’t she positive? Let’s just erase everyone except Claire and Mother Usman and see what happens.
Later Erika and her amazing David Bowie Labyrinth tattoo try to talk to Steph again. During their four months of cyber-dating Steph was romantic, and all of that deflated the minute the plane landed and the potential for titty-touching turned real. Steph insists that just because they have no relationship doesn’t mean they have no relationship. Erika starts to cry, and Steph gets awkward, because she thought they were both fake lesbians who would just squeal and kiss when the boys are looking. I mean, look at her fingernails, does that scream “preparation” to you? Erika’s not buying it, and tells Steph she wants someone who is excited to see her. As always, Steph is overwhelmed that on day 4, Erika expects to be having fun. So Erika wants to know why she even bothered to come, if she doesn’t want to meet her friends and doesn’t want to do anything. Solid question. Steph apologizes for her behavior, and says she needs time and the unicorn pain of her illness, because 30 seconds have passed. Erika declares that Steph’s hurt always has to be more than hers, and drives away.
In the town that crazy built, David is stalking the artist formerly known as Maria and currently known as Lana, who is likely enjoying a nice cruise along the river Manchester with model boy toy Williams. Lana doesn’t know David’s en route to stalk her, since she’s been busy not existing.
“I want her so much,” David creeps. 300 miles in David has a flat tire, and admits he’s been driving 9 hours on bad roads. If someone pulls over to help, will they be the murderer or the murdered? It’s a toss up with this guy.
Later, David wanders aimlessly around Lana’s maybe-hometown, holding up a cell phone picture to anyone not carrying mace. He enters a candy shop Lana reportedly likes to frequent, and shows the cell phone shot to the shopkeeper, who presses the emergency button under the counter furiously, before stretching her fingers over a nearby bat and insisting she’s never seen the woman who has never entered her shop, because she doesn’t believe in dragons.
Dejected, David goes back to the hotel to obsessively check the site he’s surrendered all his money to, and he finds a terse email from Lana asking if he still wants to help her get stateside, and “start” a relationship. David responds to this like he’s just received a sonnet embroidered into a pillow with a candy heart resting gently on top.
“But did you get heart emojis?” Yolanda asks. “That’s when you know.”
Want to check in on the only actual relationship this season? Sure, why not. Avery is wearing flip-flops, which Ash calls thongs, and the editing team is so desperate for quality content that they cast this as a grand moment of cultural exchange. Hey, in Hawaii, they call them slippers! Isn’t language great?
Ash (who has Grave’s disease, FYI) hopes to rekindle the playful side of their relationship with a boat trip to see crocodiles. When the boat guy tells them to be cautious around their great jaws of death, Ash assures Avery that he’ll protect her, but Avery insists that after one bite the croc will be too high to remember whether he was going to kill her or not, because our girl is prepared.
Before we get too comfortable with this fun nonsense, Avery insists she’s not here in this beautiful spot on vacation to have fun. Instead, they need to break out the white board and make some SMART goals for this relationship. She asks when she’ll meet his child and ex, and for this scene we need to break out the white-light translator:
Ash says: I’m looking forward to that actually.
Translation: I haven’t asked, and was hoping you would forget.
Ash: I’m still working it out with Sian.
Translation: She said no.
Ash: I’m worried because my ex is very honest.
Translation: She’s going to show my cards, and I was just getting comfortable under this warm blanket of bullshit.
Douchelord Tom from the House of Bland has concluded his tantrum, and is surprised that he did that when he was planning to pretend to be a nice guy. He calls his sister up for some doe-eyed enabling. Tom declares that Darcey stormed out, and sis asks if he went after her, and when Tom says no she seems disappointed. He says he wants to apologize for his behavior, because he does have feelings for her, and was hoping to squeeze out a few more scenes before returning to a life of hunting for a second good angle.
Darcey is so pissed off she’s sculpted her eyebrows into the golden-brown arches. She opted to stay at the hotel because people can see this trash fire from space, but she doesn’t want Stacey to grimace it underground just yet. She doesn’t get why he had to do this in person, and doesn’t want to be alone. She feels used, and so she blocks his ass, cutting off his booty-hunting apologies before they can feebly launch from his needlepoint hands.
Next week, Ash breaks the news to Avery that he’s single (which probably is just a reference to them not being married), and Steph asks if Erika’s ex still has feelings for her (he probably doesn’t), and David waits for Lana to show up (she won’t). Anyone else exhausted and longing for actual relationships?
Thank you, Patreon supporters!